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Quest Power Shower
Rate comment and critic please?
I wrote this poem for a book we're making for my school. The best and highest rated wins a 50$ Wal-Mart gift card and it gets put in as the only poem so you get the satisfaction of that. But I want to win it to show my school that I have talent. So I need you to rate, comment, and critic it to say what would make it even better..oh ya and i need honesty and I title.::::::::::::::::::::
Lying, Lost, Lonely,
In this One and Only
Generation,
People call A United Nation.
On a Quest,
For Questionable Power,
Thefore Everybody will Aquiesce,
I will be ovewhelmed with a Fear Shower.
Day by Day Being Occupied
With Dread and Bravery and Perseverance,
Recalling all those conversations when everybody lied,
Although I know we will one day all Coherence.
Alone On a beautiful day like this,
Presently been Betrayed,
And I won't miss,
Dodging the drama defined as an explosive grenade.
Okay ...if you want to make this a poem that may have a chance then you will need a Very Specific Title
First line should be rewritten in this manner: Lonely, Lying, Lost
In this 'one and only' generation people call a United Nation.
Aquiesce should be taken out because that word doesn't fit in with the diction of the voice.
Coherence is used wrongly...don't use that word.
The ending doesn't seem to make an end point...either the poem is too short or you just haven't quite grasped what you want to say...political war poems usually aren't my thing.
By reading this poem i can't see it as winning. A nation that is not United...what of it? A person is at war, or is not at war "dodging the Drama which is defined by a grenade?
If you want to make this poem better...you should compare the day of a soldier at war to a day of a person in your normal day to day society.
Then you can show that the nation is either split or united....either way hope i gave you some help.
Your lines dont have to rhyme all the time you know/?
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